Sunday, January 30, 2005

A baby may have seen my penis

Ok so normally when putting on and taking off a wetsuit, a towel is worn so that the public does not see your naked lower body. Today I forgot to bring a towel with me. I was taking my suit off next to my friend's truck, naked because of no towel, but relatively blocked from the public view by a car parked very close to my friend's. I noticed a woman and her baby approaching and thought to myself "please don't get into the car next to me", which of course they did. Keep in mind that there were probably sixty five cars in the parking lot. What are the odds? What could I do? I had no protection. Both mother and child were within two feet of my nakedity. I was laughing so hard that I pulled an abdominal muscle. They pretended not to notice, but I mean come on.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Ironic Title Here

Ooh I realized that I'm creeping closer and closer to being a "man". In particular I'm the sort of man that wears boxer shorts and a T-shirt and dress socks while sitting on the couch watching television. It feels like I skipped the rest of my twenties, all of my thirties, and arrived in my mid forties after a divorce and with a child living with her mother somewhere near Des Moines.
Last night I wrote down a few ideas about this movie that a friend and I think would be fun to make. Some of you may have heard about this, a few of you may try to take credit for it, and most of you will simply scroll down to the comments and look for something by Chloe. But here it is: The movie opens with Jesus on the cross, and he is screaming his head off. The crowd is throwing things and cursing him and he looks upset and very bloody. He dies. His body is moved to a cave just as in the Bible. Days later people come to pay their respects and show up at the cave to view thee body. The cave is entered and Whoops! Jesus is alive. Actually he is undead because he is a zombie and he eats the Roman guards and the Marys who came to visit. The Legend of a resurrected Jesus begins. He eats many people and they become zombies, or "converts". I've got nothing after that, I just think up more and more descriptions of the crucifiction scene and the initial revelation of an undead Jesus. I'm open to ideas. I was forced to go to church for much of my young life.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Liberal Arts major in an agbusiness animal husbandry world

At what point does your average young person think "I truly appreciate the struggle that Lance Armstrong underwent during his bout with cancer and his contribution to the cancer research community, so I believe that I will wear the fashionable Livestrong bracelet to show my support!" Does this thought process actually take place? I believe that it does not. I imagine that this example is more common, "Hey other people do things that are cool and Im cool and I like yellow and I remember bracelet and I want wear bracelet like pretty girl/boy wear I person too, hey lets be frineds like me we wear same thing on wrist." If you are reading this with a Livestrong bracelet on your arm, then I encourage you to examine the motivation behind that decision, and then get back to me and explain to me how to make any sort of decision in the first place.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

This week will be different!

How many days in a row can you wear the same outfit before you begin to appear homeless? I want to say that after 3 days the people sitting next to me in class may begin to notice that my shirt looks familiar. Then on the 4th day they will realize that it looks familiar because I've been wearing it for nearly a week. To test this theory I will wear the same gray T-shirt all next week. If I don't think that anyone noticed, I MAY wash the shirt and then begin an unprecedented second straight week of wear. I have also decided to attend school full time, by which I mean 9am to 5pm. This is because I have never had a 9 to 5 job and I want to know what that is like. Although I reserve the right to not show up on campus until 11 am if the surf is good in the morning, because I would most likely do that if a had a real job anyway. And then I would get fired, but I didn't need that job in the first place. I'm a free spirit and work doesn't mean shit to me, so you can just get off my back asshole and also I quit.

As for you, "Chloe Brenda Megan Dove". I enjoy Mint Chip and Prailines and Cream equally, but I'm very indecisive and may blurt out "Cookies and Cream!" in a state of panic while ordering at the ice cream counter.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Every day of my life

Today I went to the grocery store. I went to a natural foods store because I pretend that I'm a vegetarian. Although I ate a turkey sandwich today with turkey that I bought at the natural foods store while pretending to be a vegetarian. I intended to buy lots of fruit and vegetables. The deal is though, those things are expensive. So I didn't buy any. I bought things that I could have easily bought at VONS, and then I went to VONS to buy fruit and vegetables. Later I went to therapy.
Part 2.
I was reading Rolling Stone magazine yesterday, and they listed the best 50 records of 2004. I couldn't possibly name 50 different records that all came out last year, but they did and they apparently only listed the 50 best. But they also listed the top records that "You didn't hear". These were not included in the previous ranking. Why were they excluded?

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

I'm in love with teacher

I fell in love with my monotheism professor. HER name is Marie. SHE is very beautiful and also very well spoken. I worry that my infatuation with HER will negatively impact the grade I receive in the class. Here is what I fear: SHE schedules an office hour with me. SHE wants to discuss the fantastic paper that I turned in. I go to HER office. We chit chat for a few minutes before we both give in to temptation. We commit acts of unspeakable love. This goes on for several weeks, until SHE can keep our secret from HER husband no longer. He confronts me. We stand toe to toe in a grassy field. Our eyes lock and we charge each other, swords drawn. Only one pass is made. I remain standing. Marie has been watching. SHE has witnessed me kill her husband. SHE had love for us both, but could never choose. I have chosen for HER. Torn asunder with grief and confusion the two of us have no choice but to continue the academic quarter. Over time, SHE realizes that to honor her former husband, SHE must deny the powerful feelings of love SHE has for me. To accomplish this SHE fosters a hatred for me. Despite my superior work, HER feelings of anger culminate in giving me a "D" in the class. This seems like a reasonable fear. So, I'll keep my distance and my feelings to myself.

Monday, January 17, 2005

I didn't have to use my A.K. today either

I was sitting in my backyard area yesterday morning eating cereal and reading the Times with NPR playing very faintly on my stereo, when I heard what sounded like the first verse to "Straight Outta Compton". I disregarded this as a figment of my imagination for the entire day until I heard someone mention that Ice Cube was interviewed on a program on the radio that morning-on NPR. It was an interview hyping his new picture (I watched the Golden Globes last night so I call them "pictures" now) called "Are We There Yet" or something. What the fuck happened to Ice Cube? 'Straight Outta Compton' is right. 'Cube is now starring in warm friendly family comedies with CGI deer in them now. Ice T would never pull that kind of shit.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

My toilet flushes with a rope

Last night I saw the film "A Very Long Engagement". It produced two important questions in my mind. The first being "Were those Audrey Toutou's actual buttocks?" The second question is "Was that actually Jodie Foster's nearly naked body?" With regards to my first question, I'd have to say yes I believe that they were, and they are incredible. As far as Jodie Foster goes, the scene in question would be difficult to film with a body double, although the legs looked too young for her. I also wondered if I would be able to have sex with my best friend's wife if I thought that it may get him out of a war. The answer that I came up with was yes.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Happy Hannukah to Phoenix

Goodbye Shawn Green. I'll never forget how you would ground out weakly into rally destroying double plays, or how you would loft majestic fly ball outs to the warning track with two men on and two outs. But then you would sometimes hit like nine homers in one game and reel me right back in. How could I stay mad at you? So you hit .238 and made 15 mill. Your pants were so baggy and your hat ever so slightly askew.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Sensitive and sad on a rainy day

Recently I've been sort of obsessed with the idea of being Jewish. I don't mean that I want to convert, I want to have been born a Jew. Something that I hadn't considered when I started this blog was that people whom I don't know would read and comment on my entries. And here I'm specifically referring to a comment made by "Luis" to an entry that I posted yesterday. I don't know if this is a real person or not. At first I was enraged by his comment until I looked at his blog and noticed that he is 14 years old. And he is apparently a cutter. Oh for Christ's sake.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Oh my God

If you carefully examine my posts you will note that they were both posted at exactly 4:03 pm. You will also note that if you add the numbers 4 and 0 and 3 their sum is 7, a prime number. If you subtract the numbers you get 1, also prime. Multiplication of these numbers results in 0, which is THE EXACT NUMBER OF PEOPLE THAT WILL READ MY BLOG. Is 0 a prime number? Seriously, I cant remember.

My week

I am a horrible shopper. I cant buy a pair of pants that fit me properly to save my life. I need major help in this department. Yesterday I took a blazer in to the tailors to have it trimmed down and after my measurement session I was told that it would cost 85 DOLLARS to have the sleeves shortened and the back taken in. This is an insane amount of money. I left the jacket with the tailor because I was too shocked to do anything else. This means that now I have to go back into the shop and get my jacket back before they start to work on it.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Here I go with the blogging

First of all, I would like to apologize for the lack of any worthwhile information for you to read on this blog. While I am of course the smartest and coolest man on the earth, this may not always be apparent in how I conduct my life. This is because I have a problem. Actually my problems are legion. Most of these obstacles have been constructed by myself, if for no other reason than to examine exactly how much time I can possibly spend thinking about the exact current moment that I am in, giving absolutely no heed to the future. If you have ever seen Curb Your Enthusiasm, then you have seen my life, minus the money and wife and stardom. Though I do have a beautiful head of hair. Larry David can never, ever say that.