I am so confused about who is who and what is what on this site. I don't know who I can trust to be who they say they are anymore. Sometimes I consider restricting my posts to the non-anonymous posters out there, but then my readership would plummet, along with my sense of self worth.
WARNING WARNING HZABLOG may be down for an extended period over the summer. It appears very likely that I will be taking a position with the the National Parks Service as an archaeologist working in the High Sierras for a period of 6 to 12 weeks. This means high country camping and backpacking, with no access to a computar. I may offer a rotating guest hzablog host, you can submit your application along with a brief essay of your qualifications if you wish.
My living situation took a turn for the worse last night. I was trying to go to sleep a bit early for me, let's say 10pm, and I was just cozying into my freshly washed sheets, the heavy and delicious sensation of slumber overtaking me, when my dirty and obnoxious neighbor finally crawled out of bed for the day to yell and cackle with her grunting visitor. For two hours I heard nothing but variations on, "Mummmahumma jummma gumma bump?" "Brummaplumma brummpa nnnnggh!" "Fuckin No Way Man! Chelsea tried to tell her, but she was like FUCK YOU, and shit!" "Hummpta jummmma dummma." "BWAAA HAAA HAAAA HAAA". This is what kept me awake. My strategy: "SHUT UP! OH CHRIST BE QUIET!" I was yelling through my walls, while lying on back in bed, too polite to go next door to ask them to quiet down, yet not too polite to not yell at them to shut up. I normally despise sleeping with tht TV on, but I was reduced to watching Iron Chef to drown out the noise, finally succumbing to a fitful sleep.
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Not that it matters, but this particular project is what is known as a phase I pedestrian survey. A process of walking the ground, looking for signs of prehistoric human occupation in the form of artifacts and/or ecofacts. There will be no excavation, or digging, if you'd prefer.
Name: Chloe Evervescent Dove
AKA: Megan Allen
AKA: The Next Great Thing
Age: Newly 20
Occupation: Heartbreaker/Cosmic Genius/Soulsearcher/Ice Cream Scooper at Baskin Robbins (not my day job)
Sex: F
Sign: Gemini
Qualifications: See Attached Essay
To Whom It May Concern Bigtime:
Enclosed is a glimpse into my heart and a sneak peek of my future love and life, as well as an explantation as to why I deserve, not to mention, need this job as your hzablogspot correspondent/junior scout/fort-holder-downer/blog intern.
For the past many years, I have developed what many consider to be a wide variety of weirdness. Turns out, I'm a spunky funkadelic cosmic genius who is greatly misunderstood by the rest of my lacksadaizical and paranormal youth counterparts. I am, you see, a forerunner in this world of literary wit and charm, not to mention someone who can hide a hickey like none other. It is my whimsical and supernatural views on politics, the church, economic downfalls and uproars, as well as stretch and bootcut Levi jeans that can prove that who I am and what i offer is worth your time and trust. My name is Chloe, as you know, and I recently ended a sort of long-term relationship with a total spiritual and sexual fraud, and have decided to start anew with my life and choices. I know who I am more than I did in March, and this blog is key in helping me on this road of process and recovery.
I know I am the best candidate for substitute blogger. I know this because I feel it in my bones, and because the other day I got a fortune cookie that said "find release from your cares, relax and have fun" from Panda Express. I will bring to the blog my uber popularity combined with a cup of sardonice flavor, topped off with a stirred in dash of delight. This, once having sat overnight in a lukewarm location, results in the most groundbreaking slice of professional prophecy you'll ever taste in your life. I am a writer, I know it. And I have proven many times again and again not only my talent, but also my loyalty to the blog. I have supported you, bled for you, and even one time went to the bathroom (number 1) a little bit in my pants for you.
I have mapped out a few topics I might cover in your spiritual though not habitual absence. These include 'American Idol' results and anger, the progress of Ronnie and Shawna's parenthood, something I'd like to call 'Love Don't Cost a Thing, Unless It's the $3.99 you spend on Marlboro Lights To Smoke While You Breastfeed Your No-Doubtedly -To-Be Preemie Baby', my experiences with discovering and experimenting with my sexuality, and the new Ritz crackers which are like chips. I'll also inform readers about the weather and goings on in Orange County, like my in-the-work poetry reading contest, and the opening of the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. I am also open to subject topic suggestions that have to do with me sharing my life with loyal readers and fans. If desired, I will blog twice a month in your tone and style and either we can see if people know if it's me, or it will just be for fun.
Though my heart reeks with the stench of the only true blogger you need to let do the blogging, I guess only another example of my literature could convince you:
'A Mother's Wish,' or, 'You Can't Hope For Too Much in A World Of Let Down and Guys Who Don't Return Your Phone Call Now Matter How Many Times You Go Down On Them'
A fill-in isn't a bad way to spend my day.
Using someone else's blog to write what I have to say
Isn't lame or idiotic or desperate or vein.
It's a way for me to help my friend and for myself, do the same.
I'll treat it with care, like it was my child.
I'll behave myself, and monitor those who think your absence is an excuse to go hog-wild.
I'll give it the love, attention and devotion it needs,
Because that tender touch is like planting the seeds
Of trust between me and you and you and me.
This is the begining of the future I've always wanted to see.
You'll realize I did a good job, and didn't let you down.
Then you'll fall in love with me, and we'll move to a metropolitan big town.
You'll get me pregnant, and I'll be so surprised.
It'll be a conception after our eighty-eight first tries.
You'll work at Pep Boys and I'll be a famous writer.
Our wallets will be heavy, but our hearts so much lighter
When we see each other each and every day,
And remember how it began, that the blog led the way.
So, for now, let me take care of this wonderous site.
I'll do my best to show you that this chick can fucking write.
I'll fill it with words, inspiration and love.
Let me drive this blog,yes, me, me ME, Chloe Dove!
Thank you for your consideration.
Please let me know if this position has been filled or if I'm hired by Sunday because if not, I wil have to pick up more shifts at Baskin Robbins this summer when Yolanda's probation is over.
Sincerely,
Chloe Dove
cc: Chloe Dove
PS: This has nothing to do with my enclosed letter of applicaiton, but I want the people before who were commenting on this blog to know thank you, and please vote for me as the new hza blogger summertime, and BY THE WAY, the last blog that I wrote, was OF COURSE, written by me. Why wouldn't it be??? If I say it's me, it's me. Is that clear? So what if I use profanities once in a while? Does that make me a whore or prostitute or someone I'm really not? Well, anyway, Guy WHo Said It Wasn't Me, you still seem really nice, but it's me and no one else, I hope that's not an issue anymore, okey dokey???
PPS: Please don't let that outburst effect your decision making process, pretty please!
I cast my vote for Chloe Dove. I think she's more than capable, and if she needs a running mate, I, Jody Mulgrew of the Johnny Starlings am available. I'm good-looking and more than content to be the quiet, winsome chap at Ms. Dove's side.
(aside to Chloe)
If Hza doesn't pick you, I suggest we go the route of a bloodless coup. This blog has been in the hands of the Fat Cats for too long.
Housman,
let me know ASAP if you find any dinosaur bones with saddles near them.
P.S.
This is very important.
01) CHLOE, you can go down on me anytime and i will always call you back, even though
02) you can't be the new HZA, because then who will be the new CHLOE? you see the dilemma?
03) let me get this straight, HOUSEMAN. you're walking around in the woods for 12 weeks? looking at rocks? this is archaeology? hey dude, sign me up.
How's the surf in the Sierras? Longboards?
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